Top 50 Ways To Tell If You’ve Had Too Much Coffee
50. To reward yourself for a small success at the office, you decide to enjoy an extra cup of coffee on your way home at a famous coffeehouse.
49. To thank you for your purchase, the baristas give you a thick book of complimentary discount coupons.
48. You feel a bit guilty for liking it, but the Bob Marley/ John Lennon Christmas Songs CD they’re playing sounds pretty good.
47. The next day when you go back to the coffeehouse, you impulsively buy the Bob Marley/John Lennon Christmas Songs CD. Sure it’s July now, but good music is good music.
46. You could swear that cute barista with the purple dreadlock smiled at you!
45. You make it a habit to sit at the same table every day. You notice it has abstract poetry engraved on it. It’s intriguing.
44. You decide to become a poet.
43. You purchase a titanium coffee mug with the famous coffeehouse’s logo on it. You take generous swigs of it to fuel your poetic muse.
42. The baristas now know you by name.
41. You have so much energy! You feel just like Columbian cocaine baron Pablo Escobar must feel, down there in Columbia, tending his cocoa beans. And for only $2.62! Is this a great country, or what?!
40. You’re the only person who’s doing any real work around the office.
39. Your teeth are yellow.
38. When you started writing this list, it was just going to be the Top 10 Ways To Tell If You’ve Had Too Much Coffee. But why not make it 21? Or 50? This must be how Stephen King got started!
37. When you agree with someone, you nod your head up and down and go, “Yeahyeahyeahyeah.”
36. You can’t sleep.
35. You haven’t slept for three days.
34. You’ve discovered sleep is something people can do without.
33. You’ve discovered that the government, and more importantly, your parents, are using the bogus need to sleep to try to control you.
32. You’ve figured out that if you go without sleep, not only do you not suffer any side effects, but you feel like Superman.
31. You look a bit like Superman too, except for the deep black circles under your eyes. So you’re a ‘90’s Superman. You listen to Radiohead. You brood. You fly about.
30. You decide to buy a Mac Power Book and write a novel in the coffeehouse. Like the other 50 patrons are doing. This year’s PEN award is going to be a toughie.
29. You’ve begun experimenting with coffee stains as a new visual arts medium.
28. You did a painting of the Olympic Rings logo, with the 5 rings as 5 coffee stains.
27. You only want to eat food that goes with coffee, like pancakes. Or scones.
26. The baristas now know you by a secret nickname.
25. The secret nickname the baristas have for you is “Jitters.”
24. The baristas jokingly ask you if it isn’t time for you to go home yet, as they’re closing up.
23. The baristas ask you to lower your voice if you wish to remain in the coffeehouse environment.
22. The baristas contact the police to help them ask you to lower your voice if you wish to remain in the coffeehouse environment.
21. The head barista who is a smug grad student with frameless glasses and a Gawd complex, posts a 10 cup limit sign in the coffeehouse.
20. The 10 cup limit sign is moved to directly above your favored seat in the coffeehouse.
19. When you disagree with someone, you rub your distended belly, scratch your whiskers and stare them down.
18. The baristas refuse to serve you.
17. Your teeth are brown.
16. The baristas push you out of the coffeehouse into the street. You break a potted plant.
15. The baristas beat you in the alley behind the coffeehouse out of public view.
14. The baristas beat you in front of the coffeehouse in full public view. A woman cheers.
13. The head barista who is a smug grad student with frameless glasses, receives a small scrape when you take a few swings at him.
12. He presses charges.
11. He loses the criminal case. But he wins the civil suit.
10. The court awards him ten billion dollars.
9. Your teeth are black.
8. You have to pee.
7. You have to pee again.
6. You’re a bit dizzy. But it’s nothing a can of Bud and a good chicken sandwich won’t fix. Slow and steady wins the race.
5. You’re pumped up like an adrenalin blimp.
4. You’re bloated and angry.
3. Your breath smells like a buffalo’s poop chute.
2. Your saliva can be used as soy sauce for sushi.
1. You no longer have to buy coffee; it just naturally reproduces itself in your mouth.
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